Day 5 – Are you punishing your partner for your past hurts?

05 Aug

We all have a past, own emotional baggage to carry and to let go. It’s not fair to cast all these on our partners who really care.

Do you have any unpleasant experiences in the past that you still holding onto till today? Are you carrying any emotional burdens or scars which you just could not let go? Perhaps you are still living under the dark shadows of the past; believing, behaving and repeating the same experiences as nothing can be changed? What’s scarier is that you are not even aware of them…

Take an example: Joan has been cheated and she is not able to trust or believe her partner again, irrespectively whom or how is the partner. She guards herself, often keeps track on her partner’s schedules, demands faithfulness and emotional security, watches out for traces of potential affairs, behaves distrustfully and snaps at the smallest suspicious incidents. She is afraid that she will be cheated again and tries to prevent this from happening. What she doesn’t know is by doing all these, she is living in her past and imagined fear, treating, accusing and punishing her partner for the things he probably doesn’t have in mind or not intend to do. Unnoticeably, her actions driven by her subconscious trials in proving herself being right about her own belief (that she will be cheated again) will likely lead to her partner eventual cheating or leaving her.

Besides cheating, there may be many other fears. Here are three additional examples below:

  • The fact your parents are divorced, it doesn’t imply yours will be; don’t let the consequences of their divorce not just hurt you in the past, but also block your own happiness in marriage.
  • The fact your partner left you for the career, another person or what so ever, it’s in the past, it doesn’t mean the current partner will do the same.
  • The fact you were physically or sexually violated, verbally abused in the past, it doesn’t mean your current partner will do the same; and it also doesn’t give any right to your partner to abuse you either.

By liberating ourselves, our past hurts, we love ourselves, hence indirectly love our partners. Let’s empower ourselves and choose not to be the victims of the past events and negative experiences. We may or may not have the choices in the past, but definitely right now, we have the power to decide that we are not the victims of the past and taking the responsibility of what is happening at the moment in our relationship. We will be aware, embrace our negative contaminating thoughts, break the old beliefs and behavioral patterns, treat our partners open mindedly with no past baggage and create a new relationship.

Today I love my partner by: (share it aloud to your partner)

Not casting my own emotional baggage from the past onto my partner; I love my partner with a fresh understanding of my partner, rather than with what I know about ‘partners’.

For your actions:

(1)    Take some time to think about if you have unfairly treated your partner based on own fear caused by past hurts, experiences, beliefs or new imagination. An easy way is to list out the worries or concerns you have about your partner; and review if they are genuine concerns that he also agrees or just from your side (see if related to your past).

(2)    If you allow, reduce or remove these concerns, doubts, accusations, punishments and unfair treatments. Your relationship will reveal a new light.



Posted by on August 5, 2012 in Thoughts


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2 responses to “Day 5 – Are you punishing your partner for your past hurts?

  1. stenila

    August 5, 2012 at 02:04

    I like your blog.. This bucket list sounds interesting!
    I want to invite you to my blog:
    God bless you! 🙂


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