The reasons and the purposes determine the mindset of how you behave, what you bring to your relationship and what you expect from your partner.
Ever ask yourself the reasons and the purposes you enter a relationship when it just starts? Is it due to ‘love’, ‘the fun together’, ‘crazy sex’, ‘the special connection’ or ‘a rebound situation’, ‘material enjoyments’ or … etc? Ever think about before enter a relationship, what could you and will you bring to contribute to the relationship? What do you expect your partner to deliver in the relationship consciously and subconsciously? For the married, was it obvious to you why you get married and what are you commit yourself into?
In the below video of Bryon Katie, “You are the love of your life” captioned the idea that the ultimate relationship is with ourselves (you provide and care for yourself), and the people around us, whatever they bring to our lives are just bonuses. Staying within a relationship helps us to learn more about self-love (hence to love others).
Most of the time, we just enter a relationship without thinking too much. We enjoy the moments, give what we have (often not even 100%), take what we want (sometimes we ask more than what’s being offered by our partner); when things go wrong (not as you wish for), just end the relationship and find another one. It’s less drastic in a marriage, but similar traces may be spotted; instead of leaving the marriage, one may emotionally withdraw, shift focus to work, children or have affairs.
If we are able to take a moment of quietness for ourselves in the beginning of a fanatic love or before making a marriage vow or even this present moment, think through:
- Why do you want this relationship (hope no one forces you) and what you expect from or want to achieve in this relationship (i.e. life companionship, intimacy, excitements, great conversation…). If there are vast differences between yours and your partner’s purposes and expectations, consider taking some time to understand each other.
- Are you able to bring and contribute what you expected into this relationship yourself, instead of seeking from your partner? Could you reduce the expectation of your partner to zero?
It’s not too late to review your current relationship now and think about the above. It helps to know what get you here the first place, how you may adjust yourself and your expectation (of the relationship and of your partner) and head where you want to go. If you are in the relationship for the wrong reasons (only you will know), everything else will follow in the wrong direction and you will not get what you want. Loving self and your partner is life journey of dedication and efforts; it may not be easy, but definitely very life enriching and rewarding.
Today I love my partner by: (share it aloud to your partner)
Removing my expectations of my partner to provide (for me) in the relationship, because I may provide to myself.
For your actions:
(1) Find out the purposes and the reasons that I am in this relationship;
(2) Understand what my expectations are for the relationship and what I will bring to the relationship instead of asking from my partner.
(3) Devote and give myself 100% into the relationship; leaving no regrets.