“The love and respect your partner has for you is a direct reflection of the love and respect you have for yourself.” from LIVELIFEHAPPY.COM
How our partners love us often reflect how we love them; how we love them is a reflection of how we love ourselves. It is also the how we want to be loved subconsciously. To elaborate the concept further with an example: your partner loves you through his or her respects and caring for you, highly likely in reciprocal of your respects and caring given to him or her. You treat your partner this way, because it is the way you are treating yourself.
This takes back to the fundamental basis (origin) in loving your partner – first you need to love yourself, provide and fulfill yourself with sufficient self-love, confidence and self-trust; so that your partner is not merely to supply and re-fill your basic love needs, whatever you are missing or insufficient of, but rather to enrich, enhance and make your combined life more enjoyable, fulfilling and complete. Everyone wants to be someone special, the extra icing on the top; not someone on rescue mission, to be depleted or just filling up the empty space. Don’t you agree?
Take a moment to view yourself in a stranger’s eye: how are you as a partner? Are you a supportive, inspiring and caring partner? Honest, compromising and faithful? Or are you full of complaints, nags and disinterests? How is the current interaction with your partner? Which aspects in your relationship (i.e. openness, intimacy, common material enjoyment … etc) are you focusing on? Do you have any or high expectation from your partner, wishing him or her to bring you happiness, excitement in life or a warm home (plus dinner) to come back to? What is that you are missing in yourself and you expect your partner to provide you? If you allow, let’s take a step deeper into your relationship. Are you a dominant or submissive or equal partner? Are you obsessive, insecure and full with jealousy? Do you have problem trusting your partner? Are you holding yourself back emotionally due to some beliefs or past unpleasant experiences? Are you afraid of something happening leads to the end of the relationship? Are you honest with your partner and with yourself?
When comes to love, there is no right or wrong answer. To avoid criticisms, you may hide yourself and thoughts away. But it is very important that at least you are honest with yourself, your thoughts and feelings. Knowing who and how you are as a partner and the expectation on your partner is:
- a start to understand what you are or may be missing in love (self-love or parental love) which you are subconsciously seeking, expecting from your partner;
- an opportunity to fulfill and nurture yourself with the missing element(s); hence
- to adjust yourself and your expectations of your partner, subsequently to enhance the relationship and to enjoy love with your partner in a more understanding manner.
(Example: You constantly seek for security in a relationship. No matter is your constant asking for love & attention or to have your partner re-assuring that he or she will not have affairs or is socially, financially stable or … (depending on what security you are looking for), you will not be able to find it; because it is in YOU that’s lacking of the security you are looking for, not in the relationship. Until you find this security within yourself and grow out of own insecurity; only then you will find the security in a relationship (no matter who is the partner)).
By loving yourself more, it’s indirectly love your partner more; the more self-sufficient and abundant you are in self-love, the less you take and demand from your partner; and the more you may offer your partner and vise versa. In this way, the relationship grows and benefits multiply.
Today I love my partner by: (share it aloud to your partner)
Understand what kind of partner I am to my partner; know my own inadequacy in self-love as an individual and fulfill myself instead of expect my partner to provide.
For your actions:
(1) Find out what kind of partner you are, take time to list out as many qualities you have as possible; separately list out the qualities of your ideal partner. Compare the two lists to see if I have, which I may provide to myself, the qualities that I am asking of my partner.
(2) Find out what I am missing in love and expecting my partner to provide. Consider to take back the responsibility and provide for yourself, instead of expecting to get from your partner.
(3) Decide on the top 5 qualities (or more) you would like to uphold as a partner; and love yourself and your partner with these qualities.